Mid August 2017
David (email): No more goofing around. No more loose change and keys in the beer. No more breaking parking barriers in the parking lot behind Mickey Kelly’s. No more shots off of Sammy Reinhart’s ear. No more Shark-bait. No more Bobo. No more Potsie. No more Rock Morgan.
It’s time to put cones around the weeping man in the corner with the compound fracture of the leg so we can play the game. It’s time to buy the returnable Miller longnecks for the weekend party at the Hockey House. It’s time to kick Trains out of the freaking basement because Eddie Horvath is on to us. It’s time to cash the unemployment check. It’s time to buy a big fat steak at the Sanitary Market.
It’s time we got off our fat @$$es and did the weekend in California.
I know what you’re thinking, Gus: It’ll never happen. Well don’t be so sure. All of us have agreed. I mean, did you see the four of us in that picture I texted you? Isn’t that photo the epitome of determination? (Okay, don’t answer that.)
Anyway, we are in and want to come out this January. But before we do, we need to know a few things:
- Guy, do you actually want us to come out? (Because if you don’t, well, the hell with you.)
- We’re thinking of Jan 11 (Thurs) to Jan 14 (Sun), flying in and out of the Santa Barbara airport. Does that work?
- Would we stay with you or should we think about a hotel?
- I’ve run out of questions.
Just so you know … we’re not farting around here. We want to do this. What’s next?
Jimmy: This is serious!!!!!!
Guy: Sounds like a plan.You are more than welcome to crash at my house. Got three extra beds and I can rent a VW for Potsy to sleep in the driveway.Jan gives me time to figure out where the bars are …… Just remember our winters are lot different than back east .. so I hope your prepared. Let me know specifics as you finalize THE TRIP ……
Jimmy: What a minute you don’t have a VW ? You don’t know where the bars are ? What do you mean the weather is different in the winter?
David: Bars? Done. Looks like Monty’s is open until 2AM. Time for more extensive research Gus!
Jimmy: Nice job David! While you’re at it find a VW for Jack and please let us know what the weather is like in January in Goleta.
And so it begins: Endless emails and texts yammering on about our trip to California
Late August 2017
David: I’m doing some final investigation on the available flights and options/restrictions that may exist. (Just want to be sure everything’s as it should be.) As soon as I’ve got that squared away I’ll email everyone with all the details … and then we all should buy our tickets at the same time to insure we’re on the same flight and maybe get seats together.
Jimmy: Don’t call me Shirley…..
Tommy: How do we all buy our tickets at the same time? Wouldn’t it be best if one of us bought all the tickets? Just asking, I’m pretty naive on these matters.
David: That was going to be my suggestion for simplicity’s sake. Then everything’s under one account and easily managed. When the time comes, I guess I could volunteer to do it. After all, I am Mr. “Reluctant Volunteer Man.”
Tommy: You’re the best.
David: That’s what I keep telling everyone, but nobody listens.
Jimmy:
Then, a seismic shift in the conversation:
Tommy: Ok, I’m gonna put this out here one last final time. Include Robert Trains McClure.
David: Totally in with that. He can sleep in the VW van with Jack. Let’s see what Jimmy has to say….
Jimmy: I will ask him.
Three days pass.
Jimmy: Ok. Bobby is in. It’s official.
David: Oh my god. Good lord. Heaven save us, Uncle Wiggly. Jimmy, your job now is to inform Gus Ackerman in your usual witty way. Does Trains do email?
Jimmy: NO
David: I wonder if this means we might need to get a hotel room if Guy doesn’t have space for five of us.
Jimmy: MAYBE
David: Jack! Where are you! Wake up!
September 2017
Tommy: Hotel room – thoughts – I’m not too keen on sleeping on the floor … so I could do an el cheapo hotel room, if need be.
Another thought: We need a devious plan to dick on Guy or his house or do something dickish or maybe even clever when we are there. So put on you thinking caps, we should not leave that place without doing something Uncle Wiggleyish to him. I’m sure we could do it on the fly but planning ahead might be helpful. Just my thoughts to make the trip more epic then it will already be.
Almost included him in this email….. pheww a close one.
Jimmy: I didn’t hear back from Gus on the plans that Trains McClure is now coming. Also Pottsie Keefe are you in?
David: That’s our Tommy Gilbert. Always thinking ahead. Let’s just bury Trains up to his neck in Guy’s back yard, and a couple days later when they go out to water the flowers they’ll find him.
Jimmy, last time I saw Jack (a week ago?) he said he was in. And maybe we need to text Gus to get his thoughts on Trains and space at his house. Do you want to do it or should I?
Jimmy: I did forward our last e-mail that told you trains was in…didn’t hear from him. I will text him on this and get back to you boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are we really doing this??? I thought you guys were kidding?
David: Hey, that’s not funny! Break open that piggy bank. I don’t want to wait too long on buying these plane tix.
Jimmy: Ok talked to Guy. He said no need…he has the room…air mattresses. Maybe have to double up in one bed. And about the plane tickets …When do you want to get them?
David: End of this month or early October. I gotta get off my a$$ and look at all the fine print concerning carry-ons, checked bags, seat assignments, what’s refundable, and all that stuff. PS: If I just say that lately I’ve been wetting the bed does that mean I’m guaranteed my own bed?
Jimmy: And you all know I shit the bed….
Tommy: You sons-of-bitches you’re already making excuses for the beds…… bas-tards. But don’t forget I’m 63 years old with creaky brittle bones that need a soft comfy bed.
Jimmy: Have you thought about a nice plushy cushy, soft coffin ole man?
Tommy: Hey, You’re a really funny guy.
A week passes. Then David sends out a sprawling novel-length email about his research: Leave from Newark very early the morning of Jan 11 (Thursday), options of flying into LA and driving to Santa Barbara, or flying straight to Santa Barbara.
Tommy: Wow All looks good. David I would bet that driving to the airport is going to fall on you….. unless someone else volunteers… kinda doubtful. So if you don’t want to do that I am for getting a limo or whatever to get us there. Plus can I sleep over that night.
David (a few days later): Jack “Potsie” Keefe update: Absolutely is 100% in. He agrees we should get transport to and from Airport. So, here’s my plan. Let me know what you think:
- I will buy the plane tickets / car rental bundle at the end of this month.
- I need everyone’s money before that, so …
- I’m asking that everyone write me a check or get me the cash by Wednesday, Sept 27th.
- Total amount each of us owes is $465. This is your share of the air fare and car rental.
- If the cost changes by then I’ll handle the over/under and we can sort out the difference later.
- Cost of possible car service to and from Newark Airport and possible hotel room in Santa Barbara will be handled at a later date.
Remember, 24 hours after the flight is booked, that’s it. No refunds. Any questions? Have I forgotten anything? We’re doing this, boys! (Jimmy, Trains is still on board, right?) Your friend David, Cruise Director.
Tommy: Check’s in the mail. Damn right we’re doing this. Oh … Hey David what are the exact dates again?
David: Depart Thursday, Jan 11 … return home Sunday, Jan 14.
Jimmy: I don’t want to go to FLA???
David: Well, maybe YOU’RE going to Florida … the rest of us are going to California. Hey, let our man Bobby “Trains” “No Email” McClure know what’s going on.
Jimmy: I reached out to him today….. I will be away leaving for OBX Sunday catch up when I get back.
David: Who said you could go to the Outer Banks? Bastard.
Jimmy: Your Mom!!!!!!! We were gunna cancel the trip because hurricane Jose is close, but we found out President Trump is not letting illegal immigrants into the country…… so were good to go!
David and Jimmy have a very short, spirited political discussion, and then move on because neither is going to get the other to change his mind.
Jimmy: Ok boys….look who’s added to the chain!!!!! OOOO baby.
Jimmy adds Robert Bobby Trains McClure to the email chain. It will turn out that Trains is more of a lurker than a participant.
David: Trains!!!! Welcome. Don’t f*€k it up.
David: I am in receipt of a glorious check in the amount of $465 from Thomas K. Gilbert. All hail Rock Morgan!
Which brings us to the end of September … only days away from buying our world-class, cheapo, non-refundable airline tickets….
Part 3: The point of no return