Old Fart Makes Statement

APRIL 28, 2023. WHITEHALL, PENNSYLVANIA.

A week after the massive explosion of SpaceX’s gigantic rocket named Spaceship exploded over the Gulf of Mexico, the reclusive Old Fart who lives down the road commented on the accident.

“Am I sad about it? What kind of fool question is that? If this was 1967 and it was NASA’S rocket I’d be sad. But I ain’t gonna be sad over some billionaire’s rocket blowing up.”

When reporters pointed out that the billionaire in question, Elon Musk, could not have launched Spaceship without billions of dollars in Government contracts, the Old Fart replied, “I don’t give a crap. When I see that rich bastard talking nonsense — knowing nothing — I don’t want to be a part of it. Matter of fact, I want my money back.”

Asked to elaborate, the Old Fart jumped at the opportunity. “When I was a kid and it was NASA runnin’ the show, it felt like we were all in it together. NASA didn’t go to the moon. We all did. And when NASA failed, well, we all failed. Now? I’m watching my tax dollars plummet into the ocean like a hundred dead ducks … and this guy Elmo and his cronies are cheering like it’s the Fourth of goddammed July. Burns me up.” 

After a reporter corrected the Old Fart and said the billionaire’s name was Elon, not Elmo, the Old Fart grabbed the reporter’s microphone. “I don’t care if his name is Bozo the Clown. I despise it when guys like this Elon character act like they do. Oh, sorry. Is ‘despise’ an inappropriate word to use? How about, ‘hate with the fire of a billion suns?’ That too much for you?” 

A follow up question revealed much about the Old Fart, who seemed to lower his defenses for a moment: “Let’s just say that when I see the smirk on that rich dude’s face, I’m back in 7th grade, and my buddy Ronnie Becker is suddenly sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria with the popular kids, making snide remarks out of the side of his mouth that I’m a loser … but then to my face he says, ‘You gotta chill, man, it’s just a joke.’”

A question came from the gaggle of reporters that had gathered around the Old Fart’s front porch: “Could you elaborate on your assertion that there were cheers when the rocket blew up?”

“Jesus Freaking Christmas,” the Old Fart pointed out, “Don’t you have the internet? Did you watch the video? During the countdown the control room sounds like drunken partiers watching the ball drop on New Years Eve. Then, every time they pass some kind of milestone in the flight, they’re whoopin’ and hollerin’ like they did at my cousin Jerry’s bachelor party. Maybe there’s an applause sign in the control room like on one-a-them late night talk shows. And when the rocket finally goes kerplooie? Well, you’d think they’d given a signal in the control room to open the champagne. Just watch the stupid video. Damn, why am I doing your job for you?” 

A reporter from Old Timer’s Digest asked about the Old Fart’s thoughts at the exact time of the explosion. “Careful now,” the Old Fart warned, waving a finger, “Elon and his hangers-on say it wasn’t an explosion. Said it was a “rapid unscheduled disassembly.” That’s their pathetic witty euphemism. Real funny, right? So funny I want to throw up.”

Rufus Dingle, a columnist for Curmudgeons Weekly, wondered if it was just “youthful enthusiasm.” 

The Old Fart lashed out, “SHOW A LITTLE CLASS! Back in my day, in the real mission control, technicians would hold back on the celebrations until something big happened. Big, like, oh, I don’t know — LANDING ON THE FREAKING MOON IN A JURY-RIGGED HUNK-A-JUNK WITH WALLS AS THIN AS ALUMINUM FOIL!!” 

Then the Old Fart yelled at his neighbor for not cleaning up after his dog.

The Old Fart sat on a lawn chair on his front porch next to the hose and a bag of weed killer. “No more questions. I’m exhausted by these rich guys.” Then he immediately contradicted himself and stood up. “But I’ve got GRIEVANCES, goddammit!” Then he wavered on his feet momentarily, saying, “Whoo. I stood up too quick.”

A cub reporter from Future Numbnuts of America asked, “What grievances, sir?” The rest of the reporters groaned, and the Old Fart leaned forward:

“You know what gets my goat? The names they give their stuff. Spaceship? Really? That’s the name of this rocket? And Starbase? The launch site is called Starbase? Are you kidding me? They’re trying so hard to be so cool, but they’re miserable failures if you ask me, trying to be all ‘ironic.’”

[Editor’s note: The Old Fart did actual finger quotes at this juncture. The press pool agreed that this gesture, along with the use of the phrases, “When I was a kid,” “Back in my day,” and “Gets my goat,” confirmed “Old Fart” status upon the Old Fart.] 

The Old Fart closed the press conference by saying, “It looks to me like Elon has modeled SpaceX after Fireball XL5. But they will never be as cool as Fireball XL5. AND THAT WAS A TV SHOW STARRING ACTUAL PUPPETS!”

At press time, the Old Fart was watching YouTube videos of Apollo moon walks, muttering to himself about the good old days.

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Oh, and by the way, I know a little bit about rocket launches. In fact, if you really want to see how people should react at a rocket launch disaster? Watch this: